


those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out

by t_hens



Series: chronically, yours [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hens/pseuds/t_hens
Summary: '“What’s all this?” Dan shrugs a little but Phil can see the pink of his cheeks.“Just thought we could celebrate Pride inside this year.”'





	those four walls now are the only place that I can breathe out

**Author's Note:**

> written for the Phandom Fic Fests: Pride Flash Fest 2019
> 
> thank you to [Moody ](https://obsessivelymoody.tumblr.com/) for all your help and encouragement with this <3

Phil’s not sure what wakes him; not sure if it’s the pounding in his head or the way that his hip and shoulder ache from sleeping on his side last night. Maybe it’s the way when he rolls over onto his back, a sharp ache radiates out in to his fingers and toes.

Dan isn’t in bed, but that’s not altogether surprising. Phil remembers a few years ago when he had real energy and was often the one first up and moving about, but those times have long since faded and Phil has no actual recollection of the last time that he woke up before Dan and was able to actually leave the bed.

He must be cooking something, Phil thinks as he focuses on taking breaths that are deep enough to fill his lungs with air but not so much that they hurt. It’s a fine line to draw but the distinct smell of bacon is enough to at least mildly distract him from the aches and pains in his body.

-

Before he has a real chance to get up, Dan pads quietly into the room, holding a mug of coffee and a plate of food. Phil’s stomach rumbles loudly in the otherwise silent room and it makes Dan’s face pull into a smile.

“You’re hungry, that’s nice.” He sets the food down on Phil’s bedside table and leans over and places a light kiss to Phil’s forehead. “How else are you feeling?”

Phil takes his time sitting up, though by the time he is he’s out of breath and the pain in his back has increased almost tenfold.

“Sore,” he says honestly.

Dan gives an understanding nod and gingerly sits down on the side of the bed. “Do you think you’re still up for the parade?”

The parade. Phil had forgotten completely that they had been planning on going to the Pride parade that afternoon with Bryony. He takes a second to assess how he really feels and though his back hurts and he knows without standing that his feet will throb, he doesn’t want Dan to miss out, simply because he doesn’t feel good.

“We can still go.”

Dan stares at him intently for a few seconds, long enough that Phil would feel awkward if it was anyone but Dan. He looks like he’s mentally calculating something, making some sort of important decision.

“You don’t have to push yourself just because you know I want to do something.” He sounds sad when he says it, and it makes guilt well up in Phil’s throat.

“I’m not.” Dan purses his lips and doesn’t look very convinced. “I promise. I feel fine.”

‘Fine’ is a relative term, and they both know it. It’s been a long time than Phil felt anything less than miserable, but he’s trying to be optimistic. Surely he can hold it together long enough to watch a parade?

-

Dan eventually acquiesces and helps Phil up and out of bed and into the bath. He’d given up on showers a long time ago, learning the hard way that getting dizzy and passing out while in a shower is enough to scare him—and Dan—into just sticking with baths.

Once he’s clean and Dan’s helped him blow dry his hair enough that it decently resembles a quiff, he slowly makes his way out to the lounge to wait. He turns the tv on, though he doesn’t really watch. 

The prospect of leaving the house and socializing is always enough to fill his belly with butterflies of anxiety but it feels worse today. Today it feels like there is a swarm of hornets making a nest in his stomach and chest. 

It’s not just the idea of being in a crowd of people, or the noise that he knows will make his brain pound in a less than great way. It’s knowing that no matter how little he does, he’s going to be in pain. Even just sitting on the couch and barely moving hurts enough that his breath is a little labored. His feet ache from the small distance he walked from the bathroom to the lounge. He knows exactly the way they will feel once he’s walked to the elevator, gotten into a cab and then walked to a decent spot for them to watch the parade. He can feel himself focusing on the way the pain will run through his body and he won’t be able to walk for days after, and by the time Dan is walking out into the lounge, Phil is having a full blown panic attack.

-

It takes a while for the panic and adrenaline to leave his system, but after almost a solid hour of Dan murmuring words of encouragement into his hair while he holds him, Phil is finally calm and laying back in bed. Dan hands him a glass of water and one of the tiny white pills that were prescribed for when he has these types of panic-y days. He normally avoids using them because they make him sleepy and a bit fuzzy, but he doesn’t protest this time. He just swallows it down with a drink of water and lays back onto his pillows.

“You gonna cuddle me or do you have stuff to do?” Phil asks sleepily. His eyelids are already starting to droop but he tries his best to keep them open.  
He hums and plants a brief, but loving, kiss on Phil’s lips. “I have a few things to do but then I’ll come cuddle. Deal?”

Phil is tired enough that he doesn’t feel like doing much more than humming his agreement, but he puckers his lips and whines for another kiss, making Dan chuckle a bit.

“Greedy even when you’re feeling poorly.”

“Don’t make fun of me, I’m ill.” Phil knows he’s being whiney. The pills have removed that tiny bit of filter he normally possesses, but Dan just smiles that fond smile that is reserved only for him and his dimple pops out a bit. Phil ignores the ache of his arm as he reaches up and pushes his finger into the crease in Dan’s cheek and smiles at the way a blush spreads across his cheeks.

“Alright, get out of here Lester. Sleep.”

“Mmm. ‘K,” Phil murmurs and closes his eyes, letting temporary oblivion take him.

-

It’s Dan that wakes him up the next time he’s prying his eyes open. He’s running his fingers through Phil’s hair and staring down at his phone, his eyes flitting across the screen quickly.

“You done?” Phil’s voice is thick with sleep still but Dan understands what he’s saying, because of course he does.

“Yeah. I have a surprise for you. Can you get up?”

Phil nods and slowly sits up so that he’s leaning against the headboard. He’s still tired but his senses are dulled just enough that he’s not in a lot of pain. Plus, he’d have to be on his death bed before he didn’t get excited for surprises.

“What did you get me?”

Dan laughs and the sound rings out across the room, filling it with a warmth that hadn’t been there before. “You’re so ridiculous.” He rolls his eyes fondly, but he still gets up and retrieves a bag from his side of the bed.

He places it in the center of the bed and slowly brings out the goodies he must have left the house to get. The first item is a pastry box from the bakery where they’d gotten the rainbow cake for his birthday. Next is an assortment of rainbow colored items - some look like stickers and temporary tattoos - even a tiny little rainbow flag.

There is a lump in Phil’s throat but he does his best to talk over it. “What’s all this?”

Dan shrugs a little but Phil can see the pink of his cheeks. “Just thought we could celebrate Pride inside this year.”

There are tears forming in Phil’s eyes but he clears his throat and entwines his fingers with Dan’s, pulling his hand up to place a kiss on the soft skin of his palm. “Thank you.”

He could say more - much, much more - but he knows he doesn’t have to. Dan gets all the unspoken things that are on the tip of Phil’s tongue. Like how thankful he is that Dan is always willing to do something that Phil can do too, and the way he makes every single day a little special even though he knows he doesn’t have to.

“I love you,” Phil adds on.

They kiss for a little while; long enough for Phil’s heart to race in a nice way, but Dan pulls away before it goes anywhere promising. 

“You’re supposed to be resting,” Dan lightly admonishes, but Phil can tell he’s just as affected by the way he squirms a bit and has to readjust himself.

“Never stopped me before,” Phil chuckles, reaching into the pile of goodies and pulling the pastry box towards him. He opens the white box and inside are half a dozen cupcakes with cloud-like piles of frosting and a curl of sour rainbow candy.

“ _Oh_ ,” Phil admires, taking one out of it’s spot and quickly peeling the paper liner back. He takes a bite and it’s just as delicious and cloyingly sweet as he’d hope.

“These are really good,” he says thickly through a bite. 

“You’re getting crumbs in the bed!” Dan squeaks but makes no move to take the sweet from Phil. 

-

After he’s eaten one and a half cupcakes and Dan’s complained at least ten times about the mess, Phil finally settles back into his spot and grabs at a rainbow tattoo. “Will you put this on me?” 

Dan’s already got a mug of water and a sponge and he delicately covers the paper in water then peels it back carefully so that the ink stays on Phil’s skin.

“What do you think?” Dan asks, blowing gently to dry it out.

“I love it. Thank you.” He could say it a million more times and it wouldn’t be enough.

“I wanted you to be able to celebrate too.”

Phil just kisses him again because he’s still a bit tired and words don’t seem enough in this moment.

Besides, they have forever to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find this fic on [tumblr](https://tobieallison.tumblr.com/post/185802136831/those-four-walls-now-are-the-only-place-that-i-can) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/ta_hens/status/1142922924661194752)


End file.
